22

love hurts the lover most

“Mmmmh, Tchaikovsky. Swan lake, Op. 20, Act 1 in the first tempo. First heard it when I was fourteen. A cousin was studying music. Brought home a flash drive full of classical music. I didn’t care. Wasn’t interested. Fourteen. Just started my love affair with Lil’ Wayne. L-l-l-l-lick it like a lollipop… Never considered how gay it all was. I loved it though. And I loved Lil’ Wayne. And I wanted to be Lil’ Wayne — a one of a kind. A genius, we called him. The only man, at the time at least, who was both a dwarf and a giant. I call him a dwarf but I’m not all that tall, either. Hit one hundred and seventy centimeters when I was thirteen. Haven’t moved an inch since then. An inch would be too much to ask for, am I right? Maybe God wanted me close to the earth. Close to the soil and the devils beneath. Right by you.

I’m sorry to talk about this. Tchaikovsky?! Hmph! Do you even care? Do you care that he was meant to be a civil servant? Or that he carved out a purely Russian style? Or that he had a romantic relationship with his nephew? Most don’t. Shhh! I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you. Here-here-here. Let me look at your face. Those brown eyes… Don’t close them. Let me look at them. At those tears. You can cry. You can cry. Even Jesus wept. I-promise-you. I love you. I love you more than you can ever know because you… You have given me something that no one could have ever given me. Do you know that? Do you see how much you’ve given me?

This-this was made for you — for us. Don’t you love it? A replica of… Yahidne. Russians. God made man, then He made the Russians. You don’t care about that, either, do you? Anyway, anyway, I got those chairs from ikea. The desk, too. All DIY. I hate DIY but this place had to be… perfect. You love it, don’t you? It’s hard work, you know. No one ever tells you that the lover is the hardest worker in the room. Would you say that to me? Some words of acknowledgement. Please? A simple I see you will do.

My wife — she’s not mine anymore. I had to ask her to sign… A man can’t run off into the night if he’s got others carrying his name… Anyway… Mmmmh! She wasn’t… no thank you from that one. But I’ve… I’ve always been a bit of a validation whore. Mother saw it. Teachers saw it. Bet you my wife saw it, too. A simple thank you will go a long way, I always say. Gratitude. Is that so much to ask for. But-but you understand, don’t you? In this place… Shhh! Shhh! We’re okay. This place is… This is pu-pure. Shhhhhh! FUCK! SHUT UP!

Again! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m too crude sometimes. This isn’t… No one would want to hear this. Be talked to like this. I’m sure you didn’t say such things to… FUCK! No, no, no. I didn’t mean to… Listen. No need to bring that up. This is between you and me. Just you and me and I…

Okay. Okay. I need to catch my breath. Not as young as I used to be. My wife — ex-wife — we got our first kid real young. No one can call you a fag if you’ve got a kid, right? Anyway, anyway, we didn’t have a plan then. We were… We were kids having fun and… pop… out came a baby. Three kids by thirty, would you believe? No one does that anymore. Outliers. We were outliers. Then a plan. Travel the world, live the life by forty. Everyone that waited would look at us all green with envy. Good plan, right? Still, kids age you faster than drink or tobacco. Constantly tired. And my daughter… You took… FUCK! Again, I’m doing it… I don’t mean to. This has nothing to do with… This is just YOU and ME. Let’s not think about… Aaa, I can’t help it sometimes but…

Do you think I’m smart? Sometimes I think so. People have even said so but I-I doubt them, you know. Mmmmh! I mean, I got you here but that’s… It wasn’t... All those cameras in front of your home and of course… I mean, I’d run, too. Call a friend, go to a net cafe. Anything to get away from the lights. It wasn’t easy, though. Nothing is ever easy.

One time, I tried to get into the stock market. Read an article on Jim Simmons and thought I’m smart. I can do what he did. AI, I thought, would do the heavy lifting. Ran around telling everyone, even my wife — ex-wife. She laughed. Not really a laugh but… Well, they all laughed eventually… he-he!

But look at me now. Look at this place. My little Yahidne. And you — my one true love. I made it! WE MADE IT! Out there there’s a kid with a robin hood account thinking he’s about to hit a homerun. Or some girl thinking the guy she met at the bar is the one. Or some man trapped in a miserable job, thinking his one hour of writing a night will be his saving grace. It’s all lies out there. Nothing real. Nothing pure. But in here… GOD, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I-have-never felt this way. Don’t think it’s possible for anyone out there to feel this way.

You can’t hear me, can you? Just watch my lips. Watch them. These lips that would kiss you… I talked about Tchaikovsky but you don’t even get to… Taylor Swift… Anyway, you get to enjoy 22. I don’t know about you but I’m feelin’ mmmmm… Pretty hard to sing along with Tchaikovsky in my ear. 22 for you. 22 for you. Again and again and again. You’ll never forget me. And I’ll never forget you.”