Avery

Inspired by the article "Bella Thorne" on Wikipedia

I grant you that over the past two, three — it might be more — days, I have not committed to my duties. You caught me. You caught me. It’s the cans, the butts, the stench, the trash. You caught me! What can I say… But look here. Come here for a second. Look right here. Last night, last night I woke up in a cold sweat. Cold as can be and it was like… It was like God had spoken to me. It was 3AM — witching hour — 3AM and I arose from a faltering slumber. Never have I ever felt such a need to get off my ass. It was like God… Oh, I said that earlier. But wait… Did I show you what happened? Did I show you what I did? Maybe I did. But just in case, come on over here.

Look here. Right here. Last night, you see, last night I was asleep. Fell asleep right in front of the TV. Jerry Springer. Oh man, Jerry Springer! Gets me thinking — got me believing I’m damn lucky I didn’t get hitched. Makes me look back on friends and wonder what they’d do if Mrs. so and so was caught in the middle of a… You know how it goes. You can’t trust anyone these days. Not your bossman, not your government and, damn sure, not the wife. Never the wife. Goddamn, what would you do?! Man… Jerry Springer keeps us on our toes.

So, like I said. I was watching Jerry Springer and blacked out. It could have been the booze. Yeah, the cans. I need a system. Alphabetize? Jesus! How would I alphabetize trash? Not that industrious, am I? But what about this; what do you think about me putting a trash bag right here? Right next to the couch. I mean, it’d make it a helluva lot easier to keep the place tidy.

Filthy place, this is. Don’t mean to be such a pig but last night was special. Not just Jerry Springer but here. Take a look at this. That says Sapporo. That’s Japanese. Japanese beer. Ever gotten loaded off sake. You know, I used to study Japanese. Used to be fluent, too. Yes, fluent. People lose fluency. Don’t believe me? Nihongo shabereru yo. There’s some Japanese for you. Bet I was better at Japanese than you are at English. Did you know beer is sake? Sake just means alcohol. Last night, last night I was watching Jerry Springer as I got to binge on Japanese sake. An old friend — old, old friend — was Japanese. From Kyoto. Yessir! All the way from samurai country. He used to bring these cans of liquor called Strong Zero. Those were bad boys. Them’s the reason you’ve got a degree and I don’t. While you were hitting the books, I was hitting zeroes.

Man, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I wanted to show you what I did last night but all these things; the cans, the butts… Oh man, the butts. How many fucking times?! This was gonna be it. Don’t you feel like such a… When I was in high school, people often used the word snake. Sam’s a snake or don’t trust him. He’s a snake. No one wanted to be the guy tagged with snake. People would do anything not to be the snake. We’d lie to parents, we’d steal from classmates, we’d start fights — anything to not be the snake. Kids can’t see that the snake can live inside them. Them butts, that pack of Camels is… The snake burrowed deep into my soul and I can’t keep him away from a pack of cigs to save my life. I look at the pack — images of lips chewed up by cancer and imagine, that could be me one day. That could be me. Then I promise to stop. But then I turn on the TV and its In the mood for love. Wong Kar-Wai made me buy those damn fags. I’ll put a stop to it, I promise.

Anway, anyway. Last night. 3AM. I wake up in a cold sweat and I swear it was just like God… Hold on. Need to pop open the windows. The smell. My brother always used to say if you can smell yourself, then the person next to you is in hell. My brother was a funny dude. I miss him. Miss him a lot. Years and years since I last laid eyes on his beautiful face. What?! Think it’s weird that I’d call my brother beautiful?! Well, he was. He had this movie star jawline, deep set brow and dimples in his cheeks. I was jealous. I’m man enough to own up. Cardinal sin, that is; envy. I was envious of my brother’s good looks. He got all the girls. Aaaalll the girls. And I was left all alone, forlorn, knocking one out to Bella Thorne.

The stench. Let me pop open the windows. Yeah, Bella Thorne did that, too. You laugh but it’s true. True that I spend little that I have on Only Fans to watch a former Disney Star be nasty for us fallen angels. Well, she’s a fallen angel, too. Fallen far from glory, aren’t we all?

Fuck me. Fuck me. Yeah, last night I woke up in a cold sweat. Shit! I read once… Who am I kidding! I don’t read. I heard someone say that cold sweats — waking up in a cold sweat means you’re conscience is eatin’ you alive. Do you agree? I do. I do. All I’ve gotta do is look at the cans, the butts, the trash. Damn right my conscience is devouring me whole. It ought to. Can I say it? Can I tell you something? I’ve got to sit down for this one. You see, I often — and I think I’m not the only one — I often wonder what it’d be like to jump. Oftentimes, I find myself lying on the couch with a can by my side and a cigarette burned to ash pondering over life mid-flight. Flying until I can’t fly no more. Fallen angel, like I said before. Fallen angels, huh! Did they go splat? I think I might. I think I might.

But wait! Don’t go. Didn’t mean to go so deep. Didn’t mean to get emotional and weep but I’ve got to show you this. Get to show you that once upon a time I had dreams. Back before this. Back before the drink, the smoke, the hole… the fucking hole that God should make whole. Way back then I was filled with hope and the nights weren’t for sleep or Jerry Springer or Bella Thorne. Back then I’d write. Just write and write until the rising sun broke through the slit in the curtains. Last night, last night it was like God spoke to me. God came down to remind me that I had the power to make that hole whole all on my own. Look here. Right here. Words, man! Words, sentences, paragraphs, pages. Right here, man! I’m still alive! I’m still alive!